DIRE WOLF

Standing ‘midst the shadows, ‘neath river’s birch, I remained motionless stealth but for man’s smell having found her, finally, after two days search, the woman with a story that men are afraid to tell.

Long ago, when I was a wee boy, pretending to be a knight fighting off dragons and creatures unknown, my mother would take leave and come running to me,telling me to never wander off far from our home.

“But, why,” I would ask her, “What lies hidden in the wood?" She remained silent, insisting I mind her every word, the warning seemed desperate, something out there was no good, it was not her words, but her fear and angst that I heard.

As I grew up and became a man, I looked at the forest wall,wondering once more, as I often did, what was it beyond the trees? Next to my fire, just after sundown, I heard a familiar call. T’was the cry of the wolves, was I to fear sounds like these? Among the crickets and tree frogs calling out into the night, the wolves howling brought me a sadness of being so alone, that I never wanted to know, out there where there under light,bthe light of a full moon, searching the wood with a howling moan.

If I went searching, would they see me as a friend or a foe?  Would they recognize my smell and accept my company? I must answer her call, I must find her and let her know - her howling, night after night, t’is this alone that summoned me.

With nothing more than my long knife tucked in its sheath, I entered the wood and followed that haunting unanswered cry, carefully watching and trying to stay low, undercover beneath bramble and brush; she was getting closer, I howled back in reply. Perhaps she will attack me, kill me, drag me off for a meal, I was committed now to find out, tis man against dog, as she howled nearer, I had no fear, no apprehension to feel, stepping nearer the creek and under cover of dense fog.

I could smell her coming closer, the raw stench of wet fur; I steadied myself watching the shadows against the mist, that is when I caught a glimpse, not of a dog, but of her! What sort of play with sight and sound was this? I froze as I watched her lift her face up and sniff the air, she was looking for me and was closer to my vision. Soon she would find me here, even if I were to move over there; this was my choice to be here, to answer her call - my decision.

As she stepped out of the blanket of fog that kept her hidden, I saw a wolf bigger than I had ever seen from this moment before. At once I understood my mothers fears and why it was forbidden. The wolf was aware and now sniffing the forest floor. My scent was known to her, man, her most formidable foe. Would she leap for my throat, put an end to my wanderings?

I straightened myself up and at once she saw me, she would know but she would not understand the reason of my wonderings. I arose and stepped t’ward her slow and easy, without threat, she did not retreat, did not allow apprehension to appear. She was no longer the monstrous dog I saw in silohuette, yet ominous in her composure, I did not retreat in fear. 

A wolf now stood beside me, white faced surrounded in gray she howled once again, so I made the effort to howl with her, not knowing that I was calling her pack to come our way unbeknownst to me, we were calling them all to come hither. She came and stood next to me as if she would stand and defend. All the others, and there were many, did not come any nearer. Perhaps this was not the way of death that all had portend, her intentions seemed protective, the vision was clearer. Some sort of conversation took place among the pack, some remained standing while others laid down on the moss. She turned to look at me and I knew there would be no attack and it seemed we could all read each others thoughts.

This dire wolf, as large as man, amazingly beautiful to behold, began to warp, I could see the changing and it was hard to believe that the dire wolf was now standing as a woman, her blood warm, not cold. Standing ‘midst the shadows, ‘neath river’s birch, I remained motionless, in stealth but for human smell, but having found her, finally, after a difficult search, here stood the woman with a story that men were afraid to tell. 

She spoke to me, “You speak to us so lovingly, we’ve been waiting to receive.” A woman - naked and breathtaking to see, but I dared not touch her skin, I knew not what she wanted, what she waited for, what she expected.

If I had to retell this story, I thought, where would I begin? How would I explain this man’s experience, with Dire Wolves, connected in a strange understanding that neither of us truly existed here, this woman was not real and Dire Wolves were now extinct. But I could not pretend that all these happenings did not appear. Their existence in these woods is what makes them distinct.

She spoke to me, “You have come to us out of compassion and care, we have not known such a peaceful soul to come into this hollow. You heard our cries, our howls to find each other out there and you decided that you would answer the call and follow. Remember, young man, your youth was never your own, your mother and father gave you no siblings to play with. You, like us, live in another realm, we are all alone except the late night gatherings, and you, a family to pray with.”

“No prayers can change who you are, what you are, you are not wholely human, you are a Lupus child.  Your heritage comes from out there, beyond imaginings afar, your natural instincts have called you to us, to the wild. You can stand here and remain with the comforts of man, we will not harm you. You belong to me son, I am your mother. You can trust me and turn, join this Dire Wolf clan, but your changing will take you away from the human, from her.

“I’d like to go home one last time and say goodbye, I’d like to thank them both for teaching me how to live with love and compassion and I need to ask her why... and how I came to be their son. They choice was not to take, but to give.”

As soon as I opened the door, my mother stood up, tears falling, “You went to them last night,” she said, “You found her under a full moon. I always knew you would go to her, never would you fear the calling. My son, she is your true mother but I am not prepared, I am losing you too soon.”

I pulled her to me and wrapped my arms around her feeling her sadness, how was I to leave this woman who had found me and loved me as her son? The truth of my being seemed like some forbidden sin, some sort of madness; this unexpected battle for my existence here could never be won.

“I can be your son during the day,” I said, “and I will love you as you love me. But, when night falls and the wolf calls, I will change and return to the wood. I will be faithful to both mothers - human and wolf - as it should be, this is the only way,” I assured her, “This is the way, this is good.”

She wiped her tears and nodded her head, then a smile appeared upon her face. “Tell your wolf mother, I never intended to take you away, it was a baby boy I found, human in every way, and all alone. I cannot have children. I saw this as God’s grace, so I knelt down and gave thanks to the Lord, before gently lifting you off the ground.”

We walked outside together, walking hand in hand through the field; I saw her standing just out of view, watching as we walked together t’ward the brush. She slowly moved, unnoticed by my human mother, till we both saw her yeild. She spoke in a human voice, though she was inside the Dire Wolf’s skin. “He was given to you to protect and raise into this wonderful young man from a boy, I could not be a human mother and he needed both of us to love him so he survived. Do not fear us, we will always stand watch and protect you from harm, so enjoy, I will share him, his being is exceptional, at his conception his being was derived.”

This story has never been told before and I do not expect to tell it again, two mothers, human and enchanted Dire Wolf. I speak at day and howl in the night, truly a blessing, though religious men would see this as an aggregious sin. That cannot be allowed, cannot be tolerated, cannot be made right. I am human at day, human at play, human when the sun rises and falls. I am wolf at night when the hours lose their light, but I will not worry. I am a changeling, speaking words and answering the wolf calls’ this is my legacy, our secret, our bond, our truth. This is my story.

M TERESA CLAYTON