I AM AFRAID

I am afraid.‭ ‬You thought I had it made, had it in the bag, had my head in a good place,‭ ‬lived without fear,‭ ‬lived without limitations,‭ ‬I am afraid.‭ ‬You thought I had it made,‭ ‬had it in the bag,‭ ‬had my head in a good place,‭ ‬lived without fear,‭ ‬lived without limitations,‭ ‬lived without hesitations,‭ ‬or so it would appear‭… ‬but still,‭ ‬I am afraid... 

Nothing chases me down empty corridors,‭ ‬jumps out from behind bushes or trees. No one threatens to kill me or to bring me to my knees.  Nothing hovers o’er head and nothing to bite at my feet, no – nothing to the left or the right; nothing overhead or underfoot can give me such a fright… but still, I am afraid.

I welcome the darkness as much as the light.‭ ‬I find joy in the day and peace in the night.‭ ‬I don’t worry about the now,‭ ‬because the now is no longer the now,‭ ‬anyhow and why worry about this very moment,‭ ‬this second, this tick before the tock, this easily broken lock – I am exposed, I am unprotected, I am vulnerable and indisposed, but I continue to remain right here in all these nows; this insanity of the nows, awaiting for it all to make sense and perhaps, bring back a familiar refrain. 

I am afraid that nothing changes,‭ ‬it all just rearranges, always the same – three little containers and one ball, put the ball under one and move them all around – just a game – always thinking you know where that little ball can be found!

Wrong choice again in a game I cannot win and I am afraid.

Tomorrow is where I’ll find it‭ – the freedom from my fear and a quiet respite – tomorrow, down the road a bit…

I’ll get there someday‭… ‬one foot in front of the other, trusting that it won’t be much further,‭ ‬trusting it will all be worth it in some way – tomorrow, when there’ll be no more piper’s to pay,‭ ‬no more unsolicited tunes,‭ ‬no more promises,‭ ‬no more promises, no more promises as I greet yet another of life’s full moons.

Maiden,‭ ‬Mother,‭ ‬Crone – we all die when left alone – and we’ve lost the will to roam – and no one calls us home  - so we just sit down and look up at the sky,‭ ‬feeling safe under your watchful eye, as the tears we begin to cry drown us and yet, we never asked the question,‭ ‬why?

...‭ are we so afraid.